Mitch Conner melted into a puddle of expired coupons.

As the rift reopened, Danny Sexbang handed The New Kid a guitar pick. “You’re an honorary Ninja Sex Party member. Use this to summon us when the world needs… love. Or lasers. Or love lasers.”

They dug up the —a glittering, magical record player that played only one song: “Dinosaur Laser Fight.”

As Danny Sexbang lifted it, Ninja Brian finally spoke. One word. “No.”

“Silent, huh?” Kyle (The Human Kite) whispered. “I like him already.”

The battle was insane. Ninja Brian threw exploding roses. Danny Sexbang performed the attack, which turned Mitch Conner’s speakers into glitter. And The New Kid delivered the final blow—a synchronized fart-solo that harmonized with Danny’s keytar.

“My god,” said Stan (Toolshed). “He’s more dangerous than Cthulhu.”

“The real mission,” Brian whispered, his voice like gravel being chewed by a wolf, “was to recruit you .”